This assignment includes writing an essay and both receiving and providing peer review before you submit your final essay to your Open Learning Faculty Member. Be sure to review the full set of instructions (all four steps) before you begin.
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Using the techniques that you have learned so far in the course including, more specifically, Unit 2, create a polished essay of 600 to 650 words on one of the choices presented in the following two topics.
Define one of these terms in an extended definition: loyalty, vanity, motivation, ethics. Use your extended definition to say something fresh and relevant about this abstract and commonly used term. For example, in the sample essay “The Insufficiency of Honesty” (page 241), Stephen L. Carter uses his definitions of honesty and integrity to say something new about the need for integrity in personal and business interactions. For your chosen topic, you should add to or work against the ready, accepted definition. You might, for example, decide that the usual definition of vanity is too narrow, and that you can extend the definition to include actions or attitudes that you feel society should be more concerned about than it is.
Use extended definition to redefine or more narrowly define one of the following terms: education, family, middle age, neighbour. Use your extended definition to say something fresh and relevant about this abstract and commonly used term. We all think we know what we mean by these terms, but you should use your extended definition to comment on or add to social perceptions. For example, you might say that education is commonly perceived as something formal that happens in an institution, but that there are other forms of education.
As you draft and revise your essay, check that your thesis is clear and supported by your main points. Check that you have used the rhetorical methods explored in this unit, as appropriate, and especially that you have used specific, relevant examples. Check your paragraphs for unity, organization, development, and coherence. Review your introduction and conclusion for interest and appropriateness of tone. Then edit, checking your work for the sentence errors reviewed in Activity 8.
I think the most important thing you can work on initially to strengthen your essay is the thesis statement. Once you have developed a focused thesis that is stated in the introductory paragraph, the rest of the paragraphs will stem from that idea. At the moment, I am not sure what your thesis statement is after reading the introduction. Taking the introduction at face value, I cannot tell whether this essay will be about the importance of children being loyal to their parents, issues of loyalty in cases of polygamy, or concerns regarding the need for loyalty to a spouse even when there is abuse. Throughout the rest of the essay, you focused on the importance and complexities of loyalty in family, so I would formulate a thesis statement that unifies your paragraphs.
Throughout the essay there are several grammatical errors. I would suggest reviewing your handbook’s section on editing to correct sentence errors starting on p. 586. By incorporating these grammatical rules, the readability of your essay will be significantly improved.
In my opinion, I think it might be best not to end your first two paragraphs with unanswered questions. However, asking a provocative question at the beginning of a paragraph can grab the reader’s attention, and motivate them to read your insight into this topic. Additionally, try and ensure that each of your paragraphs relate back to your thesis statement. Good luck with your editing!
Loyalty is an excellent topic to write a definition essay on. I enjoyed the visual language you used involving loyalty as a “two-way street”, this simple image leaves the reader with a clear understanding of the direction you are steering the definition towards. However, if I may add a little feedback on the first paragraph, because the topic of loyalty is very broad your examples used may be too expansive. I would recommend excluding the inference to polygamy and expand on your examples of marriage and commitment.
Another tip is you may want to organize your essay paragraph structure so that each main topic idea is identified and then supported. Using classification techniques in chapter 13 you can divide your categories into subcategories which help narrow down your topic. Some sub topics I recognized that you could isolate, restructure, and build on are: Work loyalty, family loyalty, and loyalty to animals. Writing about these separately in paragraphs and then relating them back to your personal definition of loyalty will give the reader a clear idea of how you supported your thesis. Great work, thanks for sharing!
1. words :600-650
2. define it in an extended definition
3. for the draft :As you draft and revise your essay, check that your thesis is clear and supported by your main points. Check that you have used the rhetorical methods explored in this unit, as appropriate, and especially that you have used specific, relevant examples. Check your paragraphs for unity, organization, development, and coherence. Review your introduction and conclusion for interest and appropriateness of tone. Then edit, checking your work for the sentence errors reviewed in Activity 8.
Be sure to include your preliminary work and drafts with your final version when you submit
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