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Interpersonal Communications

Interpersonal Communications
Order Description
Guidelines for paper
1.Read the letter
2.In the letter, try to identify what the “speech acts” are that manifest the problem… you can probably easily pick out what the problem is, but you’ll need to be able to describe (without evaluation) the actions that may be causing or symptomatic of the problem. Figure out what communication scholars call that behavior or process (e.g., “self-dislcosure”, “secret keeping”, “secret revelation”, “non-accommodation”, “uncertainty reduction”, etc.)
3.Learn about what scholars know about that concept. Which theories are attached to this concept? What are the predictions scholars have made regarding this concept?
4.Based on what you know (not on your own gut instinct or personal morales) create an “evidence-based” solution. That is, your solution should clearly draw on and be substantiated by theory.
5.Once you have all these pieces, think about how you could organize these ideas so that the recipient of your letter could understand the reasoning and the proposed solution. In a sense, you’re kind of teaching the recipient what you know about communication and then, based on this knowledge you’ve now explained, propose a solution. [Pretend you’re talking to a sibling or friend that doesn’t take comm courses]
6.Make sure you have these elements in your paper to have proper APA format… 1.Running header (different on first page than rest of pages)
2.Page numbers
3.Title page with info centered and in the top third of the page
4. 4.References (NOT WORKS CITED!) page with all citations double spaced and using “hanging indents”
CH. 1 Into to Interpersonal Comm
WHAT IS COMM: process through which people use messages to generate meaning within & across contexts (situation or environment you find yourself in), cultures, channels, & media
Uses messages (verbal & nonverbal)
Occurs in contexts (situations of interaction)
Happens via channels (FtF, texting, social media, email)
Requires media (our comm is filtered through media – mass media)
5 most common forms of comm media by college kids:
texts, FtF, social media, E-mail, talking on the phone
Understanding COMM models
3 models of comm process: (help us understand comm process w/ others)
Sender –> messages comm through channels (noise) -> receiver
Internal noise (when you’re hungry, tired, emotional) can impede message ability getting to receiver
External noise (loud music, outside distraction)
Receiver (no feedback – ex. leaving a voicemail, sending text)
Sender -> message (noise) -> receiver -> feedback
Feedback (verbal or nonverbal)
Fields of experience (between sender & receiver – they each bring a field of experience – individuals beliefs, values, attds, to a comm process)
Fields of experience – influences our interpretation (if we fail to recognize…leads to discrimination, stereotype)
Feedback/comm occurs simultaneously
Most complex way of comm
Both individuals are creating comm, messages, & meaning
Internal & external noise still affecting receiver
Communicator (field of exp.) -> msgs exchanged through channels, jointly creating meaning (noise) -> communicator (field of exp.)
FtF comm – interpersonal rels
Oct. 8
Interpersonal Comm – dynamic form of comm bet. 2 (or more) ppl in which messages (verbal or nonverbal) exchanged significantly influence their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, & rels
Dynamic – always changing
Typically transactional (simultaneous sending messages to each other)
Primarily dyadic (at least 2 ppl)
Impact-creating (what someone says impacts & forever changes the other person)
Buber names 2 ways of relating to others:
I-Thou: deepens bonds & affirms individual uniqueness (affirms rel/bond bet. 2 ppl – intimacy building, affirmative, validates rels)
I-It: leads to impersonal comm (you comm w/ ppl based on their social roles – when you talk to a barista, TJ worker wants to know everything about u lol) & even disrespectful comm
Principles of Interpersonal Comm: (what scholars believe to be true about the science of interpersonal comm)
1. Conveys content (literal level of messages – words themselves) & rel info (how 2 ppl feel about each other in a rel – symbolizes what their rel is like – harmonious? How do you feel about 1 another?) – tone of lang/choice of words matters
Ex. you’re feeling salty & someone asks you “are you okay?” you reply “I’m fine” (content) said in annoyed tone (rel) bc they upset you
meta-comm – comm about comm
talking about your comm
ex. in new rel & try to figure out conflict styles & management
ex. “I didn’t mean that… I was just joking!”
2. Can be intentional or unintentional
you are sending messages that someone is interpreting as comm
ex. also your appearance, tattoos, how you look
3. Is irreversible (you can’t take it back!)
4. Is dynamic (always changing!)
5. Is intertwined with ethics & moral principles
sometimes it’s more ethical to be dishonest in a situation depending on that moment
Motives for Interpersonal Comm
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: (describes human experience of what we need & want to survive)
1. Physical – food, water, shelter
2. Safety – safe from harm, security, physically/emotionally stable
3. Social –family, friends, lovers
4. Self-esteem – feel good about yourself, confidence
5. Self-actualization – meeting goals, dreams
Types of goals:
1. Self-presentation goals
impression you want of how others see you
2. Instrumental goals
getting a job, social support
3. Relationship goals
initiation (meeting a new friend), increase/decrease intimacy, etc.
Research in Interpersonal Comm
Qualitative approaches
Quantitative approaches
Interpersonal Competence
Consistently communicating in ways that are appropriate, effective, & ethical
Know what to say, when to say, and how to say
How to deliver a message that makes sense to the audience
Comm skills – repeatable goal-directed behaviors & behavioral patterns that you routinely practice in your interpersonal encounters & rels
Appropriateness – degree to which your comm matches situational, relational, cultural expectations
We judge how appropriate our comm is through – self-monitoring stay mindful **
High self-monitors – follow expectations
Low self-monitors – “act like themselves”
Effectiveness – use comm to accomplish the goals of self-presentational, instrumental, relational goals
Ethics – moral principles that guide our behavior
Online Comm competence
Anything put online is permanent & public
– choose appropriate medium
– don’t assume online comm is more efficient
– presume posts are public & permanent
– practice creating drafts *advice let emotions settle
2nd Week
Oct. 13
CH. 2 Considering Self
The Components of Self
Self – evolving composite that develops continually over time based on life experience
3 parts: self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem
Ex. video to basic terms, group membership, psychological terms ~ always evolving
Ability to view yourself as a unique person then reflect on your thoughts, feelings, behaviors (aside from any outside factors [gender, groups, etc])
Think about who we are and our actions
Social comparison
Observing & assigning meaning to others’ behavior & comparing it against your own
Overall perception of who you are influenced by the beliefs, attitudes, & values about yourself
Looking-glass self – how our self-concept is influenced by what we believe others think of us
Self-fulfilling prophecies – predictions about future interactions that lead us to behave in ways that ensure the interaction unfolds as we predicted
Other people have an impact on this & so do we (if you think you can do something then YOU CAN)  beliefs  act in ways that set yourself up for success  accomplish what you think will happen * LAW OF ATTRACTION *
Overall value, positive or negative, that we assign to ourselves
Evaluation / judgment on ourselves
If we have positive evaluations about self, we have high self esteem
Negative / low self-esteem  vicious cycle
Negative beliefs about self  how you feel about that  low self-esteem  why do you hate yourself? / feel that way
Having too high of self-esteem is detrimental also
The Sources of Self
Our selves are shaped by the powerful outside forces of gender (social construction of what it means to be male or female), fam, culture
Gender – composite of social, psychological, & cultural attributes that characterize a person as male or female
Ex. expectations of what It means to be a man or woman (measures up to your sense of self – hurt esteem or help it)
CH. 2   Considering Self
Family & Self
4 attachment styles:
Secure attachment
Preoccupied attachment
Dismissive attachment
Fearful attachment
Culture & Self
Culture – an established, coherent set of beliefs, attitudes, values, & practices shared by a large group of people
Belonging to an individualistic or a collectivist culture shapes our views of self
Maintaining Your Public Self
When you comm with others, you present a public self, or face
The Importance of Online Self-Presentation
Interacting online gives us the freedom to be flexible with our identities & to control how others perceive us
3 ways to improve online self-presentation:
1. Be wary of info that contradicts your self-image
2. Routinely conduct Web searches on yourself
3. Keep the interview test in mind
The Relational Self
One of the reasons we carefully craft the presentation of our self is to create interpersonal rels
Opening Your Self to Others
Social penetration theory: revealing the self to others involves peeling back or penetrating layers
There are 3 layers to the self”
1. Outermost, peripheral layers
2. Intermediate layers
3. Central layers
Interpersonal process model of intimacy
Disclosing yourself to others
1. Varies across & within cultures
2. Happens more quickly online
3. Promotes mental health
4. Occurs among men & women equally
Improve your self-disclosure skills:
Know yourself
Know your audience
Don’t force others to self-disclose
Don’t presume gender preferences
Be sensitive to cultural differences
Go slowly
3rd week
Oct. 20
CH. 3
Opening Your Self to Others
Social Penetration theory – revealing the self to others – peeling back or penetrating layers
Layers of the Self
Peripheral layers
College major
Musical tastes
Political beliefs
Leisure interests
Breadth – # of diff aspects
Depth – detailed
Intimacy – union / feeling of closeness
Disclosing your self to others
Self disclosure – revealing private info about self to others
Interpersonal process model of intimacy: closeness we feel toward others is created through self disclosure & responsiveness of listeners
Joint activity – both listening & reciprocating
Self Disclosure:
Varies across & within cultures
Happens more quickly online
Promotes mental health
Occurs among men & women equally*
Women are more responsive
Men disclose more at beginning of rels
No significant gender differences
Improve your self disclosure skills
Know yourself
Know your audience
Don’t force others to self disclose
Don’t presume gender preferences
Be sensitive to cultural diff
Go slowly
Ch. 3 Perceiving Others
We act on the presumption that our understanding of a situation is the objective truth rather than a subjective perception
Perception – process of selecting, organizing, & interpreting info from our sense
1. Selecting Info
focus your attention on certain sights, sounds, stimuli in our environment
salience – degree to which something is noticeable & significant to us
2. Organizing the Info You’ve Selected
organization – structuring selected info into a coherent pattern
punctuation – structuring info into a chronological sequence that matches how you experienced the order of events
creates starting & stopping points of interaction
most apparent whilst arguing / conflict with someone
3. Interpreting the Info
final step of perception is interpretation – assigning meaning to selected info
schemata – mental structures containing info that defines concepts’ characteristics & interrelationships
Attributions – explanations for others’ comments or behaviors
Internal (personal traits)
External (situational)
Errors in Attribution:
Fundamental attribution error
We explain people’s failures / negative behaviors as internal attributions
More likely to explain other peoples’ successes as external attributions
Ex. break up explanations
Self-serving bias
When we succeed we attribute success to internal variables
Ex. I got a good grade because I studied & worked hard
When we fail we blame it on external sources
Ex. my boss never liked me anyways that’s why I got fired
Oct. 22
Influences on Perception
Powerful forces outside of our conscious awareness shape our perception, including culture, gender, personality
Perception & Culture
Culture affects whether you perceive others as similar or diff from yourself
Ingroup – fundamentally similar
Outgroup – fundamentally dissimilar
Perception & Gender
Studies show that only about 1% of comm behavior is influenced by gender
Gender – social expectations / perception of male & female
Men & women have diff expectations in society
Our characteristic way of thinking, feeling, acting based on the traits we possess
“Big Five” (OCEAN):
1. Openness
how open you are to new experiences, diversity
2. Conscientiousness
how mindful / aware of yourself & your actions are you & their impact on other people
3. Extraversion
how outgoing you are / your social side
4. Agreeableness
your ability to get along with others / helpful, supportive, cooperative
5. Neuroticism
your ability to control your emotions
high neurotic – people w/ anxiety (can’t control emotions)
Implicit Personality theories are beliefs about diff personality types & the ways in which personality traits cluster together
Group personalities together (lazy, sloppy, rude_
Interpersonal impressions are mental pictures of who people are and how we feel about them
Constructing Gestalts
Gestalts are general impressions of people, either pos or neg
positivity bias: the tendency for Gestalts to be pos when first formed
negativity effect: the tendency to emphasize neg info we learn
Halo effect: positively interpreting what someone says or does because we have a positive Gestalt of them
Horn Effect: negatively interpreting the comm of people for whom we have negative Gestalts
Using Stereotypes
Stereotyping describes overly simplistic interpersonal impressions
While flawed, stereotypes streamline the impression process & are almost impossible to avoid
Offering Empathy
When we experience empathy we “feel into” others’ thoughts & emotions
2 components:
putting yourself in someone else’s shoes
empathetic concern
express true empathy – ability to understand & take on same emotional experiences someone else is going through
NOT about you at all (I know how it feels etc. or its gonna be okay)
Week 4
Oct. 27
Ch. 5 Listening Actively
5 step process
1. Receiving
Hearing occurs when sound wave vibrations travel along acoustic nerves to your brain
seeing & hearing
noise pollution can cause hearing impairment (internal or external)
2. Attending
devoting attention to the info you’ve received
salience – the degree to which something is noticeable or significant
limiting multitasking online improves attention
elevating your attention approves it
mental bracketing: systematically putting aside irrelevant thoughts
3. Understanding
interpreting meaning (sense making)
new info is housed in yoiur short term memory
long term memory
4. Responding
conveying your attention & understanding after someone shared
feedback is given while others talk
proximity, body language, eye contact, smiling
back-channel cues signal you’ve paid attention & understand specifics
paraphrasing: summarizing others’ comments after they’ve finished talking
5. Recalling
remembering info
mnemonics: devices that aid memory
bizarreness effect: unusual info is more readily recalled
Listening Functions:
1. Listening to comprehend
2. Listening to discern (figure out someone’s current mood
3. Listening to analyze (small tasks, group teams)
4. Listening to appreciate
5. Listening to support (sets aside your judgment)
Adapting your listening purpose
An essential part of active listening is adapting your listening purposes to the varying demands of interpersonal encounters
Understanding Listening Styles
Culture & gender affect listening styles
Oct. 29
Listening Cont’d
Listening Styles
Your habitual pattern of listening behaviors
Action oriented
Looking to get info to be delivered quickly and efficiently, clearly – directly
Also looking to problem solve, take an action
Like info delivered quickly & directly
Getting info out in a precise, low content level
The quicker to get to your point, the quicker I can move on with my life
Cultivating, building rels with others
More relational level meanings of people
Into building bonds with others / empathetic
Think critically about the message involved
Women are more likely to be people-oriented & content-oriented
Men are more time-oriented & action-oriented
Culture & listening styles
Effective listening varies across cultures
In America, time- and action- oriented listening styles dominate
In collectivistic cultures, people- and content- oriented listening dominate
Preventing Incompetent Listening
5 incompetent types of listening:
1. Selective listening
taking in only those bits & pieces of info that are immediately salient & dismissing the rest
2. Eavesdropping
intentionally & systematically setting up situations so you can listen to private convos
3. Pseudo-listening
is behaving as if you’re paying attention though you’re really not
4. Aggressive listening
attending to others solely to find an opportunity to attack them (ambushers)
provocateurs: people who post messages designed to annoy others
5. Narcissistic listening
self-absorbed listening: the perpetrator ignores what others say & redirects the convo to him- or herself
Week 6
Oct. 3
CH. 6 Communicating Verbally
Characteristics of Verbal Comm
verbal comm is the exchange of spoken or written lang w/ others during interactions (lang. is agreed upon)
Language is symbolic
Words are the primary symbols that we use to represent people, objects, events, & ideas
Their meaning differs for each person
Language is Governed by Rules
Constitutive rules define word meaning: they tell us which words represent which objects
The “why” behind what we say
Ex. keep harmony, reduce conflict
regulative rules govern how we use lang. when we verbally comm
guide our behavior
ex. list of chores
>> so you can maintain a rel & stay connected (use constitutive rules for meanings & regulate them)
Language is Flexible
Personal idioms are words & phrases that have unique meanings to them
Dialects: variations on language rules shared by large groups of people
ex. meaning of “cool”
ex. soda vs. pop
Language is Cultural
Within high-context cultures people presume that listeners share common knowledge
Not about spoken or literal meaning, it’s about nonverbal (silence speaks volumes)
Asian countries
In low-context cultures people don’t presume that listeners share common beliefs, attitudes, & values
Rely on direct, literal connection / verbal meaning of messages
American culture (Also Swedish, German)
Language Evolves
Many view language as fixed, but it is actually constantly changing
We add new words to our language (e.g. tweet, app, cyber bullying, sexting, & discard old ones)
Neologisms – when new words evolve
Functions of Verbal Comm
Verbal comm serves many diff functions in our daily lives
Depending on our intention & motivation – serves functions of words
Words are irreversible tho – toothpaste outta da tube
Sharing Meaning
denotative meaning the literal meaning of your words, as defined by your culture
dictionary definition of words
connotative meaning additional understanding of a word’s meaning based on the situation & on common knowledge
subjective meaning of words / context
how people feel about the words
Oct. 5
Ch. 6 Comm Verbally cont’d
Shaping Thought
linguistic determinism is the view that lang defines the boundaries of thinking
Sapir Worf hypothesis – lang. shapes our reality
linguistic relativity: people from diff cultures perceive the world in very diff ways
ex. cultures don’t have words for certain English equivalent words (ex. “hate”) / ex. Eskimos have 20 diff words for “snow”
Managing Rels
Verbal comm is the principle means through which we maintain ongoing rels
Cooperative Verbal Comm
1. Is easily understood
2. Takes ownership with “I” lang
3. Includes others with “we” lang
Using “I” lang
Important when managing conflict – help it not escalate
Helps the other person stay open in listening as opposed to shutting down & becoming defensive
”You” language places the focus of attention & blame on other people
criticize others
”I” language emphasizes ownership of your feelings, opinions, & beliefs
remedy to “you” lang.
3 step process: describe feeling
Emotion: I feel…
Behavior: “when you…” (must have evidence)
Why: “because…” (it makes me feel like you don’t care about me)
Using “We” Language
”We” language emphasizes inclusion, unity
ex. we want you apart of this; couples
Gender & Cooperative Verbal Comm
Women & men are more similar than different when verbally communicating
Culture & Cooperative Verbal Comm
Comm Accommodation theory (Giles, 1973) holds that people are motivated to adapt their lang. when:
They’re seeking social approval
They wish to establish rels
They view others’ lang. as appropriate
> we like people who are like us / match that to be included & accepted into a new group – converge comm to be more similar
> or not accommodate – diverge (goal to be perceived as less similar)
ex. police officers diverge from civilized people to show authority/control
Be aware of over accommodating (elderly, ethnic groups)
Barriers to Cooperative Verbal Comm
1. Comm Apprehension
fear or anxiety associated with interaction
2. Defensive Comm
3. Verbal Aggression
4. Deception
Week 7
Nov. 17
Communicating through Touch
Haptics is using touch to comm nonverbally (helps our overall wellbeing, implies immediacy, closeness, love & affection; many diff purposes)
Functional-professional touch
Ex. doctors, student-teacher rel
Social-polite touch
Ex. handshake
Friendship-warmth touch
Ex. hugging
Love-intimacy touch
Sexual-arousal touch
Aggressive-hostile touch
Proxemics is comm through the use of physical distance (can create distance in rels; level of formality a rel is; symbolize dominance, power)
Intimate space
Personal space
Social space
Public space
Territoriality is the tendency to claim physical spaces as our own
Chronemics the way you use time to comm during interpersonal encounters
Monochronic = time is limited
Polychromic = time as endless
physical appearance is visible attributes such as hair, clothing, & body type
artifacts are the things we possess that express our identity to others
environment is the physical features of our surroundings
fixed features (part of architecture)
semi fixed features (decorations, plants, furniture)
Functions of Nonverbal Comm
1. Conveys meanings
2. Expresses emotion
3. Presents our selves to others
4. Helps manage interactions
5. Defines relationships
nonverbal comm helps create intimacy
nonverbal comm also allows us to express dominance (sibling rels; boss & subordinate) or submissiveness
Nov. 19
Ch. 7 Comm Nonverbally Cont’d
Functions of Nonverbal Comm
1. Conveying Meaning
reiterating or reinforcing
using your finger to point, say I love you & reinforce w/ a touch a kiss
sarcastic tone, eye roll / “No I’m fine”
use nonverbals to “play up” verbal comm – ex. pull my hair to play up emotional state
substituting or replacing
emojis – use something to replace verbal
emphasizing what you want to say (tone/pitch)
put a WORD in all caps or bold
Expressing Emotion
Affect displays- intentional or unintentional nonverbal behaviors that reveal actual or feigned emotions
Presenting Self
Nonverbal comm helps us present diff aspects of our self to others
Artifacts, volume of voice (loud or quiet person, touchy person
Managing Interactions
Kinesics (eye contact, facial expressions( let us shape comm
Ex. turn taking – pause after talking, head nod, etc.
Defining Rels – intimacy, dominance
Competently Managing your Nonverbal COmm
4 principles:
nonverbal speaks louder than verbal
nonverbal is tied to culture
nonverbal messages depend on context (setting, situation, relationship)
nonverbal & verbal comm work together
CH. 8 Managing Conflict & Power
Conflict & Interpersonal Comm
Most conflict occur between people who know each other
What is conflict?
Conflict occurs when people perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, or interference in achieving their objectives
Features of Conflict:
Conflict begins with perception
Conflict involves clashes in goals or behaviors
Conflict is a process
Conflict is dynamic
Its an inherent part of relational life
Conflict in Relationships
Conflict typically arise from:
Irritating/annoying partner behaviors
Disagreements regarding relationship rules
Bringing up past events, verbal aggression, what’s off limits
Personality clashes
Week 8
Nov. 24
Conflict Cont’d
Power – ability to influence or control people & events
Grant power to others depending on the person’s role
Power’s Defining Characteristics
1. Power is Always Present
Symmetrical relationships (balanced / equal power / egalitarian/democratic)
Complementary relationships (imbalanced / parent & child)
Dyadic Power Theory: People with moderate power are most likely to use controlling comm
2. Power can be used ethically or unethically
3. Power is Granted
4. Power influences conflicts
people compete for different powerful positions
Power currency is a resource others value
Some type of commodity people desire
resource currency (time, money, food, shelter)
expertise currency (skill, knowledge)
social network currency (connections to jobs, partners)
personal currency (intelligence, attractiveness, charisma)
intimacy currency (emotions, intimacy)
Power & Culture
Power-distance is the degree to which people view the unequal distribution of power as acceptable
High-power distance cultures
Accept distance in social hierarchy of those who have power
Low-power distance cultures
View power distance as something that can change (just bc you are born into a social class you can still bridge gaps bet. Those w/ power & those w/out power)
Power and Gender
^ intertwined
Economic opportunity & political representation are the least equal of the four “pillars” (healthcare, educational, economic, political)
Handling Conflict
How you approach conflict affects the outcomes
1. Avoidance is ignoring a conflict, pretending it isn’t happening, or communicating indirectly
takes the form of skirting or sniping (ex. turkey drop – break up right before the holiday)
can lead to cumulative annoyance (build up of irritants)
can lead to pseudo-conflicts (misunderstanding but avoidance doesn’t give the chance to work out a conflict – once you talk about the issue it’s no longer a conflict)
2. Accommodation is abandoning one’s goals & acquiescing to the desires of another
3. Competition is the pursuit of one’s own goals without regard for others’ goals
can trigger defensive comm
can lead to escalation
4. Reactivity is comm in an emotionally explosive & negative fashion
5. Collaboration is treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge
often results in compromise
The comm choices we make determine the personal, interpersonal, & rel outcomes that follow
Defining Comm
1. Comm is a process that unfolds over time through a series of interconnected actions carried out by the participants
everything you say & do affects what is said & done in the present & future
2. Messages convey meaning
package of info transported during comm  (interaction)
3. Comm occurs through contexts
factors influenced by: how much time we have, how many ppl in vicinity, whether the setting is personal or prof
4. Comm through variety of channels
sound, visual, touch, scent, taste
5. Media used to transmit info (email, text, FB)
Understanding Comm Models
Linear  – info flows in 1 direction (start point to end)
Sender, message, channel. Noise, receiver
Ex. Text, IM, email, wall posts – simple / straightfwd
Interactive – transmission influenced by feedback (verbal or nonverbal) and fields of experience (beliefs, attitudes, etc)
Ex. groups presentations, team meetings, classroom instruction
– neglects active role that receivers often play in constructing meanings
Transactional – comm is multidirectional
Each participant equally influences the comm behavior of the other participants
Ex. any encounter in which you & others jointly create comm meaning
– doesn’t apply to many online comm, email, FB posts, texts
no senders or receivers / all active exchange messages & feedback collaboratively creating meanings
What is interpersonal comm?
Dynamic form of comm bet. 2+ ppl in which the messages exchanged significantly influence their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, & rels
Dynamic – constantly in motion & changing over time
1. Most comm is spontaneously created from thoughts, moods, emotions at the moment
2. most interpersonal comm is transactional – both parties contribute to the meaning
3. Interpersonal comm is dyadic – involves pairs of ppl
4. Creates impact – changes participants thoughts, emotions, behaviors, & rels
Approach someone with open mind & welcoming heart -> I-Thou
Affording them the same attention & respect we expect for ourselves
I-It – we feel superior – focus on our differences, refuse to accept or acknowledge rival viewpoints as lefit
We regard people as objects which we observe
Interpersonal comm CONTRASTS with Impersonal comm – exchanges that have a negligible (insignificant) perceived impact on our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, rels
Ex. watching tv w/ a lover nd one of you casually comments on an ADV
Interpersonal Comm
Conveys content & rel info
Content info – actual meaning of the words (through spoken or written words)
Rel info – signals indicating how each of you views your rel (comm through nonverbal cues – vocal tone, pitch, facial expression, eye contact, hand gestures)
>> influence how you see yourself: superior, equal, inferior
whether you see the rel as intimate, acquainted, or estranged
Rel info strongly influences how ppl interpret content info  can be considered specific meta-comm – comm about comm (any message, verbal/non, that has its central focus the meaning of comm-everything from discussion of precious comments “I was joking when I said that: to questioning how a message should be interpreted “what did he mean when he said that?”
Meta-comm heps us understand each other’s comm, giving us addtl guidance regarding how msgs should be percieved
Rel info becomes most obvious when its unexpected or suggests that the sender’s view of the rel is diff from the receiver’s
Interpersonal: intentional or unintentional
Most of what you say & do will be perceived as comm
Interpersonal comm is irreversible
By posting a msg etc. you set in motion the series of outcomes that follow  – once you’ve said something, you cant take it back
Interpersonal Comm is Dynamic
Your comm & all that influences it – perceptions, thoughts, feelings, emotions are constantly in flux
Human needs  – interpersonal comm allows us to develop& foster interactions & rels that help us fulfill needs
Social needs (satisfying emotional bonds w/ friends, fam)
Self-esteem needs – have some other’s respect, admiration – by contributing something of value to the world
Self-actualization – articulating our unique abilities & giving our best in our work, fam, personal life
Specific goals
1. Self-presentation goals – desires you have to present yourself in certain ways so others perceive you as being a particular type of person
2. Instrumental goals – practical aims you want to achieve or tasks you want to accomplish through a particular interpersonal encounter
ex. you want to borrow friend’s Porsche so you remind her of your solid driving record
3. Relationship goals – building, maintaining, or terminating bonds w/ others
Research in Inter Comm
Qualitative (observation -> hypothesis) vs. Quantitative (propose a theory, formulate hypothesis, then observe)
Inter Comm Competence?
Matters the most during difficult situations
Usually positive outcomes
Comm competently will help you achieve more of your interpersonal goals, but it doesn’t guarantee all your rel problems will be solved
Interpersonal comm competence – consistently comm in ways that are appropriate (your comm follows accepted norms) effective (comm enables you to achieve your goals) & ethical (comm treats ppl fairly)
1. Acquire knowledge of what it means to comm competently
2. Learn how to translate this knowledge into comm skills – repeatable goal-directed behaviors & behavioral patterns that you routinely practice in your interpersonal encounters & rels
Characteristics of competence comm:
Appropriateness – degree to which your ocmm matches situational, relational & cultural expectations regarding how people should comm
Self-monitoring – observing our own comm & norms of the situation to make appropriate comm choices
Effectiveness – ability to use comm to accomplish 3 types of inter goals (self-presentational, instrumental, relational) – picking one over the other to maintain satisfying close rels
Ethics – moral principles that guide our behavior toward others  – strive to treat others with respect, & comm with them honestly, kindly, positively
Improving competence online
1. Match the gravity of your message to your comm medium (online not best for in depth, lengthy comm)
2.  Don’t assume that online comm is always more efficient
3. Presume that your posts are public
4. Remember your posts are public
5. Practice the art of creating drafts
Issues of Inter Comm
Culture – consider differences when discussing inter comm & how comm skills can be improved
Gender & sexual orientation
Gender – social, psychological, cultural traits associated with one sex or the other  – influenced how ppl comm interpersonally
CH. 2 Considering Self
The SELF – evolving composite of self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem (not singular, continually evolving over time based on life experiences)
Self-awareness – step outside our self & view you distinct from surroundings/environment – reflect on your thoughts, feelings, behaviors
Ex. self-awareness = compassion when texting a bff who failed her exam your comforting response
Social comparison – observing/assigning others’ behavior then comparing it against ours
Critical self-reflection – what am I thinking & feeling? Why? How can I improve my thoughts, feelings, & comm?
Your overall perception of who you are based on beliefs, attitudes, & values you have about yourself
Thinking about how others see us – looking-glass self
Hard to change it once you’ve decided you’re a compassionate/whatever person
Self-fulfilling prophecies – predictions about future interactions that lead us to behave in ways that ensure the interaction unfolds as we predicted
Overall value, pos or neg, that we assign to ourselves
Evaluation of yourself
Self-discrepancy theory – suggests that self-esteem is determined by how you compare to 2 mental standards
1. Your ideal self, the characteristics you want to possess “perfect you”
2. “ought self” – the person others wish & expect you to be
half of what makes us who we are is determined by our biological heritage / also shaped by outside forces of gender, fam, culture
gender -> most profound outside force shaping our sense of self
shaped over time through our interactions w/ others
Family & self
Our comm w/ caregivers powerfully shape our beliefs regarding the functions, rewards, & dependability of interpersonal rels
Attachment anxiety – degree to which a person fears rejection by rel partners
Feel unlovable & unworthy (low attachment anxiety – you feel lovable)
Attachment avoidance – degree to which someone desires close interpersonal ties
High attachment avoidance -> little interest in intimacy, preferring solitude instead
Secure attachment – indiv are low on anxiety & avoidance – comfty w/ intimacy & seek close ties w/ others (high self-esteem, good w/ sexual intimacy)
Preoccupied attachment – high in anxiety & low in avoidance – desire closeness,  but plagued w/ fear of rejection
Difficulty maintaining long-term rels / may use sex to satisfy compulsive need to feel loved
Dismissive attachment – low anxiety, high avoidance
Close rels are unimportant / prioritize self-reliance
Most likely to do casual sex
Fearful attachment – high in attachment anxiety & avoidance – fear rejection & shun rels
Rels w/ a disabled or someone dependent on them
Culture & self
Managing your public self is a crucial part of competent interpersonal comm
Maintaining Public Self
Face – public self that you want others to see & know
Mask – public self designed to strategically veil your private self
Info that contradicts our face -> losing face / embarrassment
Online self-presentation
Photo is the most powerful vehicle
Warranting theory – when assessing someone’s online self-descriptions, we consider the warranting value – of the info presented (degree to which the info is supported by other people & outside evidence
1. Online comm is dominated by visual info – text, photos, videos
2. What others say about you online is more important than what you say about yourself
3. Subject your online self-presentation through an “interview test” – would you share it in an interview?
Relational Self
Social penetration theory – we have layers (onion like) of revealing ourselves
Outermost, peripheral layers – demographic characteristics such as birthplace, age, gender, ethnicity
Intermediate layers – attitudes, opinions about music, politics, food, entertainment, & other characteristics  such as self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem fears, etc.
Depth & breadth are intertwined w/ intimacy (feeling of closeness & union)
Breadth – # of diff aspects of self you reveal at each layer
Depth – how deeply into one another’s self the partners have penetrated
Blind area – facets of yourself that are apparent to others through your interpersonal comm but you aren’t aware of
To improve comm, we must see it & change the aspects within them that lead to incompetent comm
Disclosing your self to others
Self-disclosure –  reveal private info about ourselves to others
Interpersonal process model of intimacy – closeness we feel toward others in our rels is created through: self-disclosure & responsiveness of listeners to disclosure
Competently Disclosing yourself
Know your self
Know your own feelings before sharing them – when you disclose feelings about others directly to them, you affect their lives & rel decisions
Know your audience
Think about how others will perceive your disclosure & how it will impact their thoughts & feelings about you
If you’re unsure about the appropriateness of a disclosure & how it will impact their thoughts & feelings about you, don’t disclose
Don’t force others to self-disclose
Its unethical & destructive to force others into sharing info against their will
Don’t presume gender preferences
Be sensitive to cultural differences
Disclose gradually when comm w/ diff backgrounds
Go slowly
We perceive – we create the meanings we assign to people, their comm, & our rels
perception – guides our interpersonal comm & rel decisions
Perception as a Process
Process of selecting, organizing, & interpreting info from our senses
Selecting Info
Focusing attention on certain sights, sounds, tastes, touches, or smells in our environment
Salience- the degree to which particular people or aspects of their comm attract our attentions
Organizing Info You Select
Organization – structure info into a coherent pattern inside your mind
Punctuation – structuring the info you’ve selected into a chronological sequence that matches how you experienced the order of events
Avoid perceptual misunderstandings that lead to conflict by understanding how our org & punctuation of info differ from others
Interpreting the Info
Assigning meaning to that info
Call to mind familiar info that’s relevant to the current encounter
Use that info to make sense of what we’re hearing & seeing
& create explanations for why things are happening
schetma – mental structures that contain info defining the characteristics of various concepts & how those characteristics are related to each other
attributions – we create explanations for others’ comments or behaviors
our answers to the “why” Q’s we ask every day
internal attributes – presume that a person’s comm or behavior stems from internal causes, such as character or personality
ex. shes rude
external attributions – a person’s comm is caused by factors unrelated to personal qualities
fundamental attribution error – tendency to attribute other’s behavior solely to internal causes (the kind of person they are) rather than social forces
actor-observer effect – tendency for ppl to make external attributions regarding their own behaviors
self-serving bias – take credit for the success by making an internal attribution
Uncertainty Reduction Theory
Primary goal in initial interactions is to reduce uncertainty about our comm partners by gathering enough info about them so their comm becomes predictable & explainable
Passie strategies – help predict how someone may behave when interacting w/ you, reducing your uncertainty
Ex. observing someone at a party
Active strategies – asking other ppl Qs about someone youre interested in
Interactive strategies – starting a direct interaction w/ the person you’re interested in
Influences on Perception
Perception & Culture
We all have diff schemata
Culture affects whether you perceive others as similar to or diff from yourself
Ingroups – share cultural beliefs
Outgroups – ppl not similar to you
Perception & Gender
Men & women comm interpersonally almost the same
Ppl are socialized to believe that men & women comm differently
Shapes how we perceive others
Personality – individuals characteristic way of thinking, feeling , & acting based on traits – enduring motives & impulses that you possess
Implicit personality theories – personal beliefs about diff types of personalities & THE WAYS IN WHICH TRAITS CLUSTER TOGETHER
Forming Impressions of Others
Interpersonal impressions – mental pics of who ppl are & how we feel about them
Gestalt – general sense of a person that’s either positive or negative
We judge based on traits from drawing on info in our schemata
We render quick judgments – little mental effort
Positivity bias – when gestalts are formed & more likely positive than negative
Negativity effect – we don’t treat all info that we learn about ppl as equally important – emphasize on the neg info
Halo effect – positively interpret what someone says or does bc we have a positive Gestalt to them
Horn effect – negatively interpret the comm & behavior of ppl for whom we have neg gestalts
Calculating Algebraic Impressions
Carefully evaluating each new thing we learn about a person
Using Stereotypes
Evaluate ppl based on info we have in our schemata related to these groups
Improving Your Perception of Others
Offering empathy, embracing world-mindedness, & chacking our perception
Empathy – feel into others thoughts & emotions, making an attempt to understand their perspectives & be aware of their feelings in order to identify w/ them
Perspective taking – ability to see things from someone else’s vantage point w/out necessarily experiencing that person’s emotions
Empathetic concern – becoming aware of how the other person is feeling, experiencing a sense of compassion regarding the other person’s emotional state, & perhaps even experiencing some of his or her emotions yourself
Embracing World-Mindedness
Acceptance of & respect toward other cultures’ beliefs, values, & customs
Opposite of ethnocentrism – belief that one’s own cultural beliefs, attitudes, values, & practice are superior to those of others
Checking your perception
Rearrange your thought-patterns
1. Check your punctuation (keep in mind other ppl may see things differently)
2. Check your knowledge (never presume you know the “truth” about what others really mean)
3. Check your attributions (avoid attributing exclusively to internal causes such as character or personality)
4. Check perceptual influences (reflect on how culture, gender, personality shape your perception of others)
5. Check your impressions
Influences on Perception
Implicit personality theories – help guide our perceptions of others personalities- sometimes lead us to presume in others traits that they actually don’t possess ,resulting in ineffective comm
Active listening – we transcend our own thoughts, ideas, & beliefs & begin to directly experience the words & worlds of other people
Listening – involves receiving, attending to, understanding, responding to, & recalling sounds & visual images
Constituted by seeing & hearing
Be aware of noise pollutions
Devoting attention to the info you’ve received
Extent to which you attend to received info is determined by salience
Mental bracketing – systematically putting aside thoughts that aren’t relevant t the interaction at hand
Interpreting the meaning of another person’s comm by comparing newly received info against our past knowledge
How you comm your attention & understand who you are listening to
Verbal & nonverbal behaviors to comm attention & understanding while others are talking
Back-channel cues – verbal & nonverbal behaviors such as nodding & making comments “uh huh” that signal you’ve paid attention to & understood specific comments
Remembering info after you’ve received, attended to, understood, & responded to it
Mnemonics – devices that aid memory
Bizarreness effect – causes us to remember unusual info more readily than commonplace info
5 functions of Listening:
listening functions – purposes for listening we experience daily
Listen to accurately interpret & sore the info you receive so you can correctly recall it later
Focus on distinguishing specific sounds from each other
Listen to Vocal tone to assess mood & stress level
Evaluate the message you receive  & judge it
Ex. listening father’s neutral comments about recent medical checkup to see for signs of worry / if he’s hiding something
Goal is to enjoy the sounds & sights then to respond by expressing your appreciation
Providing comfort to a conversational partner – openly express empathy
Adapting your listening purpose
Adjust listening accordingly to a situation – certain approaches may be inappropriate i.e. listening to analyze when a relational partner is seeking emotional support
Understanding Listening Styles
Culture & gender affect listening styles
Your listening style = habitual pattern of listening behaviors, which reflects your attitudes, beliefs, predispositions regarding the listening process
4 diff primary listening styles:
action-oriented listeners – want brief, to the point, & accurate messages from others – info they can use to make decisions or initiate courses of action
time-oriented listeners – prefer brief & concise encounters (tend to let you know how much time they have for a convo)
people-oriented listeners – listening as an opportunity to establish commonalities bet. Themselves & others (cite concern for people’s emotions; strive to demonstrate empathy)
content-oriented listeners – prefer to be intellectually challenged by the messages they receive during interpersonal encounters (take time to evaluate facts & details before forming an opinion about info they’ve heard)
>> people usually don’t use more than 2 styles across all interpersonal encounters
Gender Differences in Listening Styles
Women – more likely to use people-oriented or content-oriented listening styles
Men – time-oriented & action-oriented
Culture & Listening Styles
Individualistic cultures – put on time & efficiency
Collectivistic cultures – people & content oriented listening is emphasized
Preventing Incompetent Listening
Selective listening – taking in only pieces of info that are immediately salient during an encounter & dismissing the rest
Natural result of fluctuating attention & salience
Intentionally & systematically set up situations to listen on private convos
Behaving as if you’re paying attention though you’re really not
Aggressive listening
Attend to what others say solely to find an opportunity to attack their conversational partners
Ex. someone encourages you to share your feelings, then mocks them
Provocateurs – post messages solely as “trolls” to annoy others
Narcissistic Listening
Self-absorbed listening: the perpetrator ignores what others have to say & redirects the convo to him
Nov 12
CH. 7 Communicating Verbally
nonverbal comm is the intentional or unintentional transmission of meaning through nonspoken physical & behavioral cues
1. Nonverbal comm uses multiple channels (body lang., what you wear, etc.)
2. Nonverbal comm is more ambiguous (more uncertainty, nonverbals can send a diff message than your verbal – contradicts)
3. Nonverbal comm has fewer rules
4. Nonverbal comm has more meaning
mixed messages
5. Nonverbal comm is influenced by culture
6. Nonverbal comm is influenced by gender
women are better at sending & receiving nonverbal messages
men are more territorial
7. Nonverbal comm is liberated through tech
various media to choose from
better for long-distance rels
8. Nonverbal & verbal combine to create comm
we put more faith into nonverbals than we trust the verbals
nonverbal comm codes are the 8 diff means used for transmitting info nonverbally
Comm through Body Movements
Kinesics are visible body movements that communicate meaning
Facial expression
Eye contact
Gestures: including emblems (we use in place of spoken word or to accompany; ex. peace sign), illustrations (pointing, how big Freebirds burrito gesture), regulators (raise your hand, look at watch) and adapters (help us regulate emotions-anger, anxiety)
Posture: conveying immediacy (signifies involvement, attention, concern, awareness of another) and power
Comm through Voice
Vocalics are vocal characteristics we use to comm nonverbal messages
Speech rate

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